Relic Robber

Most damage-based aggression punishes the opponent's life total and stops there. This one plants a liability instead: connect once, and the defending player is stuck with a token that cannot chump-block and quietly bleeds them for a point every upkeep. The construct is theirs, sitting on their side of the board, doing damage they have to manage or answer. That inverts the usual logic of a small hasty beater, whose whole value is front-loaded into the turn it arrives. Here the creature is almost a delivery mechanism: the point is to land the trigger, and every subsequent turn the opponent owns a clock pointed at themselves. The token's construction is the joke made mechanical. A 0/1 that cannot block is worthless as a defender, and the upkeep ping means leaving it alone is not a neutral choice: it accrues. Stacking multiple hits compounds the effect, since each connection hands over another self-damaging body, and the opponent's board fills with artifacts working against them. The flavor of a goblin foisting cursed loot on its victim runs all the way down into the rules, and the artifact-creature typing gives the whole thing a second life as fodder for anything that cares about tokens or constructs on the wrong side of the table. The rate is modest and the body dies to almost anything; the interest lives entirely in what a single unanswered swing leaves behind.