Outlaws' Merriment

Randomness this total usually reads as a design liability, but the trick here is that all three outcomes land on the same floor: whatever the upkeep rolls, you get a red-and-white body with haste, so the variance lives in the flavor of the aggression rather than in whether the card does anything. That is what lets it commit to a fully random effect without ever feeling like a punishment. A repeatable token engine printed on an enchantment normally begs to be answered, but the per-turn payoff is small enough that spending removal on it grinds at the opponent's patience while never quite justifying the trade. Each of the three modes covers an axis an aggressive deck actually wants: the 3/1 Warrior with trample pushes damage through blockers, the 2/1 Cleric with lifelink buys back the life the deck spends racing, and the 1/2 Rogue reaches across the board with a point of damage to pick off a creature or close on the face. None of the three is dead against any given board state, which is why the one-in-three roll resolves without feeling like a bad beat. It sits among the upkeep-triggered token makers that ask for nothing after they resolve, but where most of those hand you the same soldier turn after turn, this one wagers on a spread of relevant modes and pays out on all three.