Porcuparrot

Cast for its mana cost, this taps for zero: it has mutated no times, and the ability reads its damage straight off a history that hasn't happened yet. That is the whole gag. Mutate scales more payoffs than people remember (the Ikoria cycle built damage, drain, and card draw off how many times a creature had mutated), but most of those effects fire once when the stack grows. This one is a repeatable outlet parked on top, converting the number of prior mutations into a ping you can point anywhere, including the opponent's face. The cost structure keeps the fantasy honest: every mutation is mana plus a creature fed under the pile, so the seventh-damage shot you're chasing is paid for several turns in advance, not conjured. And because the damage tracks the times this creature has mutated (an inherent property of the permanent's history, not a marker you can move or double), a turn where the stack doesn't grow is a turn the gun's caliber stays flat. What makes it more than a bad tapper is where the value lives: not in the 3/4 body, not in the activation cost, but entirely in how deep you're willing to build the tower beneath it. It is the closest mutate comes to a dedicated engine piece, a reusable damage source whose ceiling is set by your commitment to the pile rather than anything printed on the card.