Loxodon Peacekeeper

A 4/4 for two that you mostly don't get to keep: the rate is real, but the elephant gravitates toward whoever is losing hardest, handing the player at the lowest life total four points of board presence to claw back with. That makes it dead weight in a duel, where the bottom seat is almost always your opponent collecting a free threat. The clause only earns its keep at a table of three or more, where the constant reassignment becomes its own form of table politics: the creature belongs to no faction and refuses to settle on one, drifting toward the player taking the worst beating each cycle. Two wrinkles shape how it actually behaves. The trigger fires on the controller's upkeep, not on every player's turn, so a player who gains it midway through the round must survive to their own upkeep before it reassigns again. And the tie-break favors the incumbent: when two or more players share the lowest life total, the current controller picks among them, which means an early board where nobody has taken damage lets you keep it, and a controller who is themselves at or tied for the bottom simply assigns it back to themselves. It works less like a one-shot rental than a roaming stabilizer, a body that keeps boomeranging back to whoever is bleeding out fastest.