Lost Jitte

The parody sits in the name: Umezawa's Jitte, the equipment that dominated its era, banked two charge counters per hit and spent them on removal, lifegain, and a power boost so swingy the card got restricted or banned across formats. This is the joke version, and the joke is that the modes are almost useful but never the ones you wanted. It charges the same way (one counter per combat hit, not two), then hands you a menu that reads like it was assembled from the leftovers of stronger equipment: untap a land, deny a single block, or grow the wearer by one. None of those wins a fight the way the original's minus-one-minus-one or four life did; each is a marginal edge dressed in a legendary artifact's clothing. What the design actually rewards is a creature that connects repeatedly and a pilot who cares about the untap-land line, since that mode quietly turns combat into a ramp or mana-untap engine rather than a combat trick. The can't-block mode is the closest thing to aggression here, pushing another point of damage through to keep the counters flowing. It is a curio built on the memory of a banned card: cheap to cast, cheap to equip, and deliberately declawed so that the payoff scales with patience instead of arriving all at once.