Irreverent Revelers

Artifact destruction stapled to a body is an old idea, and it has always carried the same risk: against a deck running no artifacts, the ability does nothing and you are left with a 2/2 that arrived without the tempo it needed. The haste mode is the answer to that risk. When there is nothing worth destroying, the trigger stops being a wasted upside and lets the 2/2 swing the turn it lands rather than sitting behind summoning sickness. Whether that swing connects still depends on blockers and combat timing (haste grants the option to attack, not the damage), but the choice is made on entry, so you decide with full information about the board rather than committing at deckbuilding time. Modality lets one card cover both floors: relevant against artifacts, at least a proactive threat when it isn't. That is the whole trick, and it has limits worth naming. The card is not immune to dead draws: point it at an empty artifact board after combat has already passed, or into a position where attacking loses the creature for nothing, and the trigger collapses into the same whiff the design was built to soften. What it does reliably is narrow the whiff. It takes a role that historically punished you for guessing wrong (main-deck artifact hate that misses) and hands the miss a fallback that lines up with the plan of the decks most likely to run a red three-drop in the first place.