Hit-Monkey

Five evergreen keywords crammed onto one small green legend is the joke, and the design commits fully to it. Reach, vigilance, deathtouch, hexproof, and haste each answer a different problem, and stacked together they let a 3/3 do a little of everything: attack the turn it lands, threaten a lethal trade with anything, cover the skies, dodge targeted removal, and stay untapped after a swing to block on the crackback. The can't-be-countered clause is the final flourish, refusing to let even the stack tell it no. This is the licensed-crossover route to a keyword-soup creature: rather than invent a mechanic, the design piles known-good abilities on a legend until the whole feels absurdly slippery without printing a single new rule. Deathtouch is the quiet load-bearing piece here, and it earns its keep precisely because the body is so ordinary: a 3/3 that kills whatever it damages turns every block or attack into a coin the opponent does not want to flip, no matter how large their creature. Note what deathtouch does not do: it still takes full combat damage, so a bigger creature trades with it rather than bounces off. Vigilance is what keeps it a nuisance on defense, letting it swing and stay back as a deathtouch blocker in the same turn. The keyword pileup is old shorthand for "annoying to deal with," and gathering the full suite onto one four-mana Monkey is less a power statement than a flavor one: a fast, hard-to-pin-down pest that bites back at anything that provokes it.