Angler Turtle

The static half of the text is a wall on defense: a hexproof 5/7 that targeted removal cannot answer and combat cannot profitably crack. The dynamic half is where the design gets strange. Forcing every opposing creature to attack each combat inverts the usual defensive stance of a big-butt blocker. Instead of sitting back and daring an opponent to swing, the turtle rewrites their turn: their army must charge into a body that outsizes most of what a curve-out board can field, and their tapped-out attackers cannot stay home to block the following turn. It turns a passive stat line into an active tax on the opponent's tempo, punishing wide boards that would rather hold back and forcing bad attacks into open blockers elsewhere on your side. The combination is a little clumsy at seven mana and mono-blue color identity, and the compulsion-to-attack effect has a long lineage in cards that goad or draft the opponent's aggression, but few have paired that pressure with a body this hard to remove. What makes it read as a puzzle piece rather than a finisher is that it does nothing to close a game on its own; it reshapes how the opponent is allowed to use their creatures, then leaves you to convert the openings that reshaping creates.